Try Softer - by Aundi Kolber (Paperback)

As a coach and survivor of trauma and depression, this book has been one of the most helpful resources. I don't think I have recommended another book as frequently as I have recommended Try Softer. It is practical, clear, encouraging and wise. For people of faith, Aundi also offers grace in a way that many of us have never heard it before. I want the new guidebook that accompanies Try Softer but Target doesn't sell it yet so I will have to try my bookstore.

Aundi’s gentle words and compassionate tone leap off the pages as you read through. Reading it feels like a warm hug from a trusted friend who then takes the time (and has the expertise) to share how you can become more whole. She expertly weaves in the latest research and psychological findings between stories from counselling sessions and exhortations to become who you were meant to be. Paragraph after paragraph introduces you to trauma-informed ideas and practices, meant to help you with this ‘try softer’ life. Aundi is also generous with her own story, sharing the struggles of her own journey. This gives the book a personal touch and builds a sense of shared camaraderie. A necessary encouragement to readers to each own their story and find healing. One would think that a book about healing from trauma and finding wholeness would read heavily, and many do. This one is different in this regard also. Somehow, Aundi managed to write an entire book that points you towards significant life change without it sounding like a burden or another thing to add to the list. It is literally an invitation to come home. Whoever would have thought that the way to achieve more is by doing less? This is the paradox of life and one that the book exemplifies so well. As Aundi herself notes in the book, “The process of blooming is as valuable as the flower it produces.” I’m very interested in psychology, trauma, and the body so if you’re into these areas of research, this book will prove a treat for you. Aundi shares a lot of research, particularly around early childhood attachments, in language that is accessible (so fear not those of you whom aren’t interested in this as much) but also shows how well of an understanding she has in this field. Trauma that occurs while we are developing (both big traumas and the little traumas—our bodies can’t necessarily differentiate a difference) are a big part of this conversation. She also talks about boundaries which have become quite a buzz word these days, but are nonetheless a really important subject that few genuinely understand. Attention is also given to exploring the idea of windows of tolerance (that is, our ability to sit with certain situations that can be triggering for us) and how to potentially grow these windows in the least harmful way possible. This is not a book you will necessarily read through in one sitting, though you may be tempted to do so. It is almost like a collection of therapy sessions, conducted in book format. Sometimes books geared towards self-help are full of fancy-sounding statements and impressive practices, but they lack the direction for you to know exactly what it would look like to take them on as your own—not so with this one. At the end of each chapter, there are questions and practices that will help guide you as you seek to ground the truths Aundi shares into your life.

As someone who has experienced little “t” and big “T” trauma, an upbringing in the church that barely touched on mental health issues, and is currently going to therapy for the past five years, I can honestly say this book is right on time. Not only in my own life, but in so many who have experienced trauma and who are doing the very hard and holy work of healing. Kolber does such a wonderful job of navigating and marrying mental health knowledge with faith and it comes as such a breath of fresh air in a culture that is often steeped with one over the other. This is a book that will be given as gifts to friends for years to come with one copy tucked away on my shelf to be referenced again and again.

I am so grateful to see more and more conversations (and BOOKS!) taking place in the faith community regarding mental health, trauma, therapy, etc. Try Softer fills a much-needed gap, and it does not disappoint! As someone who has dealt with the trauma of losing a child, who has spent over a decade as military spouse in a world at war, who has uncovered childhood trauma, and who has been on my own healing journey -- this book felt like a long-lost friend. It was like an open-door invitation into healing and hope with author Aundi Kolber standing there with her arms open wide ready to receive you gently. Ultimately, the author extends to us what our Heavenly Father offers. Kolber interweaves some of her own personal stories and struggles as well as those of her clients (she’s a therapist), but this book really differentiates itself by the wealth of clinical information and expertise Kolber shares. For someone who loves stories and loves information, this book has both! This book really helped usher in God’s compassion and gentleness into my life and helped me relinquish areas of captivity by finding freedom and rest in “trying softer.” There are treasures in this book that have taken me over a decade to learn as well as new ones I’ve never before uncovered. Kolber’s knowledge, wisdom, relatability, and the inclusion of practical tools were immensely helpful. I have already returned to it a handful of times since finishing and will continue to use it as a resource in my own life. If you’re a fan of Brene Brown (but want something more Christ-centerd), if you’re ready to do some “soul work” as I like to call it, if you’re tired from the exhaustion of striving, if you have a loud inner critic, I highly recommend you grab this and start reading. While I read through it quickly, you may want to move slowly through it if you’re new to some of the concepts Kolber writes about. She does an excellent job articulating and explaining the information but some areas by nature may weigh heavy on you. I think you’ll also find the reflective questions helpful in absorbing and finding transformation as you read like I did. Here’s one of my favorite quotes: “Every sorrow we’ve grieved, every fear we’ve felt, every trauma and all the pain we’ve lived through—it’s all valid, and it all matters. More significantly, the hard things that cracked us open have the potential to create space for deeper joy and resilience. As we try softer with ourselves by attending to and listening to our bodies and emotions, we become vast like the Grand Canyon, because our ability to hold the full experience of our humanity increases.”

Aundi Kober has done a masterful and beautiful job of interweaving faith, freedom and healing in her book Try Softer. This artful work addresses areas of trauma whether large or small and the effect on our bodies, minds, and souls. In this book she examines this from physiological and spiritual perspectives and walks the reader through the hard to comprehend with ease and application. Her book is a wonderful resource for anyone looking to find healing personally or to help others in difficult situations. It is one that will be used for a long time as a trusted Biblical resource.

This book fits with everything I've been working on; being gentle and showing grace with myself, accepting that the journey will take longer than I want it to, and that God is right there with me as I do my work. I will refer to Aundi's ideas and helpful tips as I continue to grow.

I knew, Try Softer, would be good, but wow, I was not prepared for how life-giving Aundi’s words would be to me! And all of the practical tools she would give me access to! If you have a tendency to go into auto-pilot, survival mode or push through, and you want to learn why you might be doing that and how to do it differently— then this book is for you!

As both a trauma survivor and a trauma therapist, Aundi Kolber invites readers to join her in a new way of living. This book is written in an accessible way for everyone, but also contains information that is valuable for mental health practitioners. I highly recommend this book!

Try softer is a breath of fresh air as a woman, a therapist, a mother, a wife, and as a believer in the love of Jesus. I feel like Aundi gives readers permission to be in process supported by therapeutic and mental health principals and lead by the heart of God for His people. Whether you’ve experienced “little t or big T” trauma, Try Softer is a balm to weary souls WITH practical application to help you move forward. It’s beautifully and authentically written- I’m excited to share with a small group of women as we all move in our unique journeys.

Reading Aundi Kolber's new book "Try Softer" has been a breath of fresh air. As someone who has worked through Hard Things in therapy, I find much here to affirm what I have learned. "It’s only when I acknowledge that my experience is valid that I have the ability to do something with my discomfort. When we deny the reality of our experiences, we don’t become more of who God designed us to be, but less. There’s no way to have cohesive stories unless we truly embrace all of it: the good, the hard, the bittersweet, the sad, the joyful, the lonely, and the painful. It all counts." Her sections on neuroscience - how our brain works and is connected to our bodies - is fascinating and done in a way that is understandable. She does a great job of establishing the why and then the very practical how to. Each chapter is followed by suggestions to put into practice what you have read. I also I appreciate her commitment to her her assertion her book is not meant as a substitute for therapy. Her book is factual, practical and compelling.

Our world is running at a frenetic pace. And with that pace, many of us have lost ourselves. In an effort to come back to ourselves, trying harder is often what we feel is necessary. We try harder to fit in, to measure up, to lose weight, to make a name for ourselves. And it's killing us. Aundi uses her expertise as a therapist, having walked with countless people through their darkness as well as having walked through her own healing journey after complex trauma to provide readers with a better way. Instead of trying harder, why not try softer? Aundi provides practical tips to navigate the way through the reality of hard things. Reading this feels like sitting across from a good friend, reminding you of your worth. If you're tired of pulling yourself up time after time and are left feeling worn and weary; if you're looking for a better way, Aundi is a good companion to learning to try softer.

If I had to choose one book to recommend to anyone wanting to heal and grow into a truer version of themselves, it would be Try Softer. I’ve felt such relief reading the book. It’s ok to be gentle and compassionate with myself. “ Trying softer is the path that leads to true connection and joy. It begins when we mindfully listen to what’s on the inside of us and let that influence how we look and act on the outside. It’s an intentional shift toward paying compassionate attention to our own experiences and needs. Learning to try softer is not a onetime event but a way we learn to be with ourselves.”

I can honestly say there is not a person in my life who would not benefit from reading this book. In Try Softer, author Aundi Kolber invites the reader into a better way of living. I was challenged, inspired, convicted, as well as informed as to why trying softer is the key to unlocking greater connection, peace, and fulfillment. I found this book was written in a very compassionate and gentle way - Aundi continues to invite us on a new journey full of self-compassion and healing from white-knuckling our way though life. You will not regret investing in yourself by purchasing this book. Reading Try Softer has been the perfect way for me to start 2020!

I am a trauma therapist and I strongly endorse this book. This is a wonderful compilation of the research in the field of trauma healing along with practical, well-described skills. This book explains what it means to be trauma informed, so I’m excited to begin using this book in my practice. I strongly recommend that other therapists, pastors, and those impacted by trauma read this book. This book really is for all of us. You may not have big trauma but if you have anxiety, depression, or perfectionism, then this book will help you consider a different way of living. It is an incredible gift for all of us!

This is SUCH an incredible book. I truly believe it should be required reading for all believers. While there are tons of Christian books out there on "healing," most of them don't really help us change all that much. In my experience, they're usually a bunch of Bible verses and prayers wrapped together with some things that feel vaguely shaming, like if we were good Christians we wouldn't struggle because we'd be so grateful for what Jesus has done. But not this book. Instead, Aundi helps us learn how God designed our bodies and brains to deal with hard things that overwhelm us. Through the process, we discover we can't just white-knuckle our way to success, and that the path to healing and wholeness is counterintuitive, gentle, and full of compassion from God and ourselves. Try Softer is something like The Body Keeps The Score, but much more accessible and written from a Christian perspective. Things like attachment theory, PTSD, trauma responses, and the parts of the brain and nervous system all show up alongside a theology full of love and compassion. This is an empowering, healing, encouraging book. If I could buy a copy for everyone I know, I would!

So many of us fall into the trap of thinking that our lives can be better if we work harder, do more, fight the good fight, overcome at all costs. But Aundi's words gently encourage us to consider a radically different perspective: that the path of healing (and true strength) is one of gentleness, compassion, softness, and understanding. I would highly recommend this book for those seeking a life with more authenticity, healing, and purpose - and for those whose job it is to guide others along such a path.

So many times during my life I wondered “why do I have to be this way, what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just be normal?” THIS book taught me why and how trauma affects our whole self and made me feel so relieved. There’s nothing wrong with me after all and this book taught me ways to show love and compassion to myself as well as how to begin to heal.. I’m so thankful to have this book!!

I started following Aundi's a few years ago during a incredibly difficult season of my life. There were so many days that felt so heavy and I felt so discouraged, and Aundi's posts were always perfectly timed and full of wisdom. Her book is no different. Once again, it is perfectly timed in my life to be full of the reminders I need for the journey I'm on. I'm naturally really hard on myself, and to have Aundi's voice present in my life as I learn what it means to be kind to myself, to cultivate self-compassion, is a gift you can't put a price on. Aundi's perspective of "Try Softer" and learning how to be with ourselves in a new way is transformational. After living year after year of being exhausted, of shaming myself for not trying hard enough, for not being able to "fix" myself, this book provides medicine for my soul as I un-learn the old and re-learn what is healthy for myself.

I have followed Aundi's work for a while now, and I SO appreciate her wisdom and kindness! She is a unique voice in the trauma community as she meshes neuroscience, psychology, and Christianity. "Try Softer" is like if Brené Brown, Bessel Van der Kolk, and Brennan Manning had a baby. It covers a good variety of topics--attachment styles, boundaries, big T vs little t trauma, faith, window of tolerance, etc. She gives great insight on how to approach our bodies and emotions with compassion and truth. The writing is intelligent and easy to follow. I love the helpful graphs and charts! My one concern is about the prayer breathing exercise; I fear that many would not be able to do this in a reverent way, but it can easily be changed to saying "1-2", "In-Out", or "Peace-Relax" with each breath instead of a name of God. I am so thankful for Aundi, and I recommend her book! It stands unique--in all the right ways--among books about mental health, community, faith, and trauma. I received an advance PDF copy. This is my honest review.

“Trying softer isn’t about knowing or doing the right thing; it’s about being gentle with ourselves in the face of pain that is keeping us stuck. Because no matter how hard we try, we can’t hate or shame ourselves into change. Only love can move us toward true growth. This is the love given to us by a gentle, kind, compassionate, good God—and the love we are invited to give ourselves too.” I absolutely loved this book!! Aundi Kolber has a unique ability to pull matters of faith, trauma, parenting, self-compassion, psychology, and neuroscience together in a beautifully woven tapestry that demonstrates what it means to “try softer.” She explains relevant concepts like attachment and neuroscience thoroughly but clearly. She seamlessly links the journey of healing to our spiritual journey and relationship with God. I learned so much from reading this book and came away feeling encouraged and inspired. Highly recommend this to anyone who is working in earnest toward personal growth and healing!